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William S. Burroughs
The lavatory has been locked for
three hours solid... yet after all that effort, I still haven't
succeeed in writing an
introduction to this piece! (One that I'm remotely happy with,
anyway...) So why don't I just cut the crap and give it to you
straight... (Yeah, like I could ever
do that...) For as long as I can
remember, I've been a tremendous fan of Burroughs - both the man and
his works. He's been a major source of inspiration to me; and a major
influence, in that it was his example that enabled me to successfully
renconcile the
split in my personality. And when I had the idea of
composing a tribute to him, a cut-up of his stuff seemed like the
obvious route to take. After all, Burroughs' cut-up technique is one
which anybody can use to create cool writing; and if I made a cut-up of
Burroughs' own writings, it'd give me an opportunity to introduce his
stuff to any of y'all sweethearts out there who are unfortunate enough
not to be aquainted with his work! (The fact that cut-ups are a piece
of piss to produce and require almost no effort on the part of the
creator has nothing
to do with it, of course...) Anyway, as a tribute
to Burroughs' genius, I give you my cut-up of what must be one
of his most famous routines - the operation routine from "Naked
Lunch". Enjoy!
BENWAY (ORIGINAL):
The lavatory has been locked for three hours solid…. I think they are using it for an operating room….
NURSE: 'I can’t find her pulse, doctor.'
DR. BENWAY: 'Maybe she got it up her snatch in a finger stall.'
NURSE: 'Adrenalin, doctor?'
DR. BENWAY: 'The night porter shot it all up for kicks.' He looks around and picks up one of those rubber vacuum cups at the end of a stick they use to unstop toilets…. He advances on the patient…. 'Make an incision, Doctor Limpf,' he says to his appalled assistant…. 'I’m going to massage the heart.'
Dr. Limpf shrugs and begins the incision. Dr. Benway washes the suction cup by swishing it around in the toilet-bowl….
NURSE: 'Shouldn’t it be sterilized, doctor?'
DR. BENWAY: 'Very likely but there’s no time.' He sits on the suction cup like a cane seat watching his assistant make the incision…. 'You young squirts couldn’t lance a pimple without an electric vibrating scalpel with automatic drain and suture…. Soon we’ll be operating by remote control on patients we never see…. We’ll be nothing but button pushers. All the skill is going out of surgery…. All the know-how and make-do… Did I ever tell you about the time I performed an appendectomy with a rusty sardine can? And once I was caught short without instrument one and removed a uterine tumor with my teeth. That was in the Upper Effendi, and besides…'
DR. LIMPF: 'The incision is ready, doctor.'
Dr. Benway forces the cup into the incision and works it up and down. Blood spurts all over the doctors, the nurse and the wall…. The cup makes a horrible sucking sound.
NURSE: 'I think she’s gone, doctor.'
DR. BENWAY: 'Well, it’s all in the day’s work.' He walks across the room to a medicine cabinet…. 'Some fucking drug addict has cut my cocaine with Saniflush! Nurse! Send the boy out to fill this RX on the double!'
CUT-UP:
The lavatory has been locked for three hours solid... I think they are using it for an operating room...
NURSE: 'I can’t find her pulse, doctor.'
DR. BENWAY: 'Maybe she got it up her snatch in a finger stall.'
NURSE: 'Adrenalin, doctor?'
DR. BENWAY: 'Very likely but there’s no Doctor Limpf.' He sits on the Doctor Limpf like an appalled suction cup and washes a medicine cabinet with my teeth. Dr. Benway advances on the nurse...
NURSE: 'Maybe she got it up her uterine tumor in a finger stall.' ...the patient...
DR. BENWAY: 'Make an incision, Doctor Limpf.' He looks around and makes a horrible sucking sound. 'I’m operating by remote control appendectomy on patients we never see...'
Dr. Limpf shrugs and begins the incision. Dr. Benway washes the electric vibrating scalpel by swishing it around in the nurse...
NURSE: 'Shouldn’t it be sterilized, doctor?'
DR. BENWAY: 'Very likely but there’s no instrument one.' He sits on a cane seat watching his appalled assistant make the nurse. 'Maybe she cut my cocaine with Saniflush...' ...the patient... Dr. Benway makes a remote control rubber vacuum cup at the end of a stick to perform an appendectomy... 'He make an incision, Doctor Limpf,' he says to his appalled assistant. 'I'm using it to unstop toilets...I think they massage the heart.' Watching his assistant make a uterine tumor... 'You young squirts couldn’t lance a Dr. Limpf.' Dr. Benway shrugs and washes the nurse.
NURSE: 'Adrenalin, doctor?'
DR. BENWAY: 'The night porter shot the adrenalin with an electric vibrating scalpel with automatic appalled assistant...drain and suture... Soon we’ll make a horrible sucking sound operating by remote control appendectomy on patients we never see... We’ll be nothing but fucking drug addict doctors... All the skill is going out of the Upper Effendi, and besides... Surgery…the patient... All the know-how and make-do… Did I ever tell you about the time I caught a rusty sardine can with my teeth? That toilet-bowl was in the Upper Effendi, and besides…'
NURSE: 'The incision is ready, doctor.'
Benway forces the finger into the nurse and works it up and down. Blood spurts all over the fucking drug addict doctors... The cup makes a snatch in a finger stall...the patient...
DR. BENWAY: 'Make a horrible sucking sound. The night porter shot the patient for kicks.' He looks around and picks up the night porter.
NURSE: 'I think she’s gone, doctor.'
DR. BENWAY: 'Well, it’s all in the day’s work.' He walks across the room to the Upper Effendi.
NURSE: 'I can’t find my cocaine, doctor.'
DR. BENWAY: 'Nurse! Send the boy out to fill this uterine tumor on the double!'
BENWAY (ORIGINAL):
The lavatory has been locked for three hours solid…. I think they are using it for an operating room….
NURSE: 'I can’t find her pulse, doctor.'
DR. BENWAY: 'Maybe she got it up her snatch in a finger stall.'
NURSE: 'Adrenalin, doctor?'
DR. BENWAY: 'The night porter shot it all up for kicks.' He looks around and picks up one of those rubber vacuum cups at the end of a stick they use to unstop toilets…. He advances on the patient…. 'Make an incision, Doctor Limpf,' he says to his appalled assistant…. 'I’m going to massage the heart.'
Dr. Limpf shrugs and begins the incision. Dr. Benway washes the suction cup by swishing it around in the toilet-bowl….
NURSE: 'Shouldn’t it be sterilized, doctor?'
DR. BENWAY: 'Very likely but there’s no time.' He sits on the suction cup like a cane seat watching his assistant make the incision…. 'You young squirts couldn’t lance a pimple without an electric vibrating scalpel with automatic drain and suture…. Soon we’ll be operating by remote control on patients we never see…. We’ll be nothing but button pushers. All the skill is going out of surgery…. All the know-how and make-do… Did I ever tell you about the time I performed an appendectomy with a rusty sardine can? And once I was caught short without instrument one and removed a uterine tumor with my teeth. That was in the Upper Effendi, and besides…'
DR. LIMPF: 'The incision is ready, doctor.'
Dr. Benway forces the cup into the incision and works it up and down. Blood spurts all over the doctors, the nurse and the wall…. The cup makes a horrible sucking sound.
NURSE: 'I think she’s gone, doctor.'
DR. BENWAY: 'Well, it’s all in the day’s work.' He walks across the room to a medicine cabinet…. 'Some fucking drug addict has cut my cocaine with Saniflush! Nurse! Send the boy out to fill this RX on the double!'
CUT-UP:
The lavatory has been locked for three hours solid... I think they are using it for an operating room...
NURSE: 'I can’t find her pulse, doctor.'
DR. BENWAY: 'Maybe she got it up her snatch in a finger stall.'
NURSE: 'Adrenalin, doctor?'
DR. BENWAY: 'Very likely but there’s no Doctor Limpf.' He sits on the Doctor Limpf like an appalled suction cup and washes a medicine cabinet with my teeth. Dr. Benway advances on the nurse...
NURSE: 'Maybe she got it up her uterine tumor in a finger stall.' ...the patient...
DR. BENWAY: 'Make an incision, Doctor Limpf.' He looks around and makes a horrible sucking sound. 'I’m operating by remote control appendectomy on patients we never see...'
Dr. Limpf shrugs and begins the incision. Dr. Benway washes the electric vibrating scalpel by swishing it around in the nurse...
NURSE: 'Shouldn’t it be sterilized, doctor?'
DR. BENWAY: 'Very likely but there’s no instrument one.' He sits on a cane seat watching his appalled assistant make the nurse. 'Maybe she cut my cocaine with Saniflush...' ...the patient... Dr. Benway makes a remote control rubber vacuum cup at the end of a stick to perform an appendectomy... 'He make an incision, Doctor Limpf,' he says to his appalled assistant. 'I'm using it to unstop toilets...I think they massage the heart.' Watching his assistant make a uterine tumor... 'You young squirts couldn’t lance a Dr. Limpf.' Dr. Benway shrugs and washes the nurse.
NURSE: 'Adrenalin, doctor?'
DR. BENWAY: 'The night porter shot the adrenalin with an electric vibrating scalpel with automatic appalled assistant...drain and suture... Soon we’ll make a horrible sucking sound operating by remote control appendectomy on patients we never see... We’ll be nothing but fucking drug addict doctors... All the skill is going out of the Upper Effendi, and besides... Surgery…the patient... All the know-how and make-do… Did I ever tell you about the time I caught a rusty sardine can with my teeth? That toilet-bowl was in the Upper Effendi, and besides…'
NURSE: 'The incision is ready, doctor.'
Benway forces the finger into the nurse and works it up and down. Blood spurts all over the fucking drug addict doctors... The cup makes a snatch in a finger stall...the patient...
DR. BENWAY: 'Make a horrible sucking sound. The night porter shot the patient for kicks.' He looks around and picks up the night porter.
NURSE: 'I think she’s gone, doctor.'
DR. BENWAY: 'Well, it’s all in the day’s work.' He walks across the room to the Upper Effendi.
NURSE: 'I can’t find my cocaine, doctor.'
DR. BENWAY: 'Nurse! Send the boy out to fill this uterine tumor on the double!'
Note: Of course, Burroughs wasn't
just a great writer; he was a wicked film-maker as well!If
you're
not familiar with them, you can find most of his films on YouTube;
meanwhile, to give you an idea of his work in this area, here's the
best-known of his short films: Towers Open Fire" (1963) - and when
you're done watching, why doncha go check out my Burroughs video
cut-up, Last Words...